Ruth showing me how

 

IMG_6113Ruth, my professional blogger daughter, showing me how to set up categories. It’s going to take me a few days. I have to obsess first. My goal is to figure out what I’m doing and have it done by the end of the week. Ha!

why bother?

images-3-1As I’m determining my categories, I ask myself again, why am I doing this? Then I give it some time, and I remember. (I don’t think Alzheimer’s my problem.)

Seriously, blogging about this—throwing my mind into the subject of spiritual abuse, mind control, cults, the subject of yesterday—it’s a dark place for any mind to go.

I don’t regret it though. This is something I’ve needed to do.

However I prefer to focus on the positive, not the negative. I prefer to avoid telling stories of things that go on in the dark—-but of course, it’s the only way to get the stories out. I move with precaution. I want to avoid throwing negative on top of negative to put out someone else’s fires.

The answer to hatred, to belittling others, to name calling, divisiveness, judgment, bullying etc., is not more hatred, not more of the same. I don’t think it works that way. Call me crazy, but I’ve learned a few things from traveling down the back roads.

Meanwhile, at Downton Abbey:

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creating categories

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Maybe you’ve come here to read stuff regarding ACMTC or cults or mind control or something like that. Maybe you just want to get right to the point, and you really don’t want to wade through my reflections or persuasions or perspectives or affirmations or what I do or think or believe.

I get it, and for you I’ve good news: on my to-do list I’ve put in big bold letters, create categories!” It’s prioritized near the top too, which means it’ll be getting my attention soon, which means soon there will be some road signs around here to help you get to where you want to go.

turning the page

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no path without curisoity and questions

I’m posting this quote again. If I post something more than once, that means it really matters to me, that I really want to drive it home to where I live, to where you live. I embrace it for health. I embrace it for clarity. I embrace it for how it feels like truth.

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Escaping Evil: My Life in a Cult

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Available at Amazon for $1.99-$2.99. Episode 3 is two stories, one regarding Yahweh Ben Yahweh, the other regarding ACMTC. It was a more comfortable, a better interviewing experience for me than the natgeo interview. Buy all three episodes regarding cults, or mind control, for $6.99 Also available for purchase in iTunes.

Pema Chödrön

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Pema Chödrön was my first hero to help pull me out of almost 30 years of dogmatic, one-way thinking. She made me feel safe, and she taught me to love and to respect myself.

Then she taught me to be present, and to lean into the pain, the disappointments, the failures, “the sharp points” in life. It’s hard to learn, hard to grow, to expand, to overcome if we habitually avoid pain, if we sweep what’s uncomfortable under the rug.

The situations we find ourselves in can teach us a lot about ourselves. We don’t create every circumstance in our life, but a lot of what unfolds before us results from our own thinking, our own believing. It’s good a good practice to stop and observe our thoughts, and to ask ourselves, is this what I want to create? Life gives us a lot of choices.

Of course the flip side is, we can let someone else do all our thinking for us and tell us what’s true, what to believe, and what to do. We can dismiss our own investigative rights, suspend our own judgments, and let other people decide our way for us, in which case we put our earthly destiny into their hands, and there’s little freedom and no authenticity in that.

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Pema Chödrön’s teachings opened up a whole new wonderful world of freedom and well being for me.

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excommunication was a scary but fortunate thing

 According to House, if you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people.

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There’s some truth to that. When I was blindly, crazily religious, no one could reason with me, no one. My way (ACMTC’s way) was the only way. People on the outside didn’t understand that General Deborah Green had powers from up on high, that she was God’s General AND his end-day Prophet. We on the inside were special because of her. We were God’s elite army. 

Maybe I’d still be in there had they not kicked me out. (I’m so glad they did!) Probably though I would’ve died a forsaken woman, just as my ex’s (Steve’s) wife after me did. Martha fell under god’s “judgment” also, and died of “squirrel fever.” That’s how her death certificate reads. 

Excommunication was a very fortunate thing for me. It didn’t feel fortunate at the time, though—it felt like being dangled over hell. I was declared forsaken by God. Overnight I became the bad guy, the enemy in the ever unfolding plot of God.

I didn’t feel evil. I understood nothing. At times I questioned, but ironically, I was a good soldier—I knew how to guard against and stop my own thoughts. Every doubt I rebuked, “get behind me Satan!”

I thought maybe it was a test, like God wanted to see just how low I’d sink to prove my love for him. How much would I suffer? How bad would I feel? How rid of myself would I be? Self-denigration was a constant theme running through ACMTC.

I’d suffer anything for God, but at this point not out of love for Him, but more like out of FEAR. Why’d He pick me to play this role? I hadn’t a clue as to why He cast me out in shame like that. But He gave me this role to play, and who was I to question God?

I felt locked in.

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dismiss what insults your soul

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believe nothing, unless… .

keynote templete.001 I don’t call myself a Buddhist, however I do embrace the essence of Buddhist teachings—I want help waking up, being aware, being mindful, empathetic, compassionate, kind and so-on and so-on.

Reasoning, analysis, contemplation, meditation—just some tools to help wake us up, to see life outside of Plato’s dream cave world, outside the box, outside our usual sphere of influence, our culture, our race, family, friends, relationships, gender, job, roles, age,  geographical location, neighborhood, education, beliefs, DNA—all those things that inherently settle down inside of us and can create a mountain of biases.

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