cleaning, simplifying, embracing change

It’s a long season of change for me over here in California. I’ve been in SPRING MODE since January. Cleaning. Simplifying. Giving away. Throwing away. Selling. Digging up lawn. Planting. Transplanting. Prepping my century old home’s lap wood siding for new paint.

The same goes for where I hang here online. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with this blog, or if I’m going to do anything, but now I just feel like tidying it up. Editing. Simplifying. Deleting. Prepping for change.

I’m willing to give it all up at any time. Cut my hair. Change my name. Burn all my old writings that I always thought would someday be a book. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve thought about it. Nothing’s fixed. Life is forever in flux. I want to be here in the now. I want to invest more time with the people I love and care about.

Prepping for change.

Not repentance—change. There’s a big difference in my mind. I’m sorry for a lot of things. Sorry I didn’t have a solid plan when I was young. Sorry I was such a wanderer, a follower. Sorry I was so naive, so unware. Sorry I choose some pretty shady friends. Mostly I’m sorry that I hurt my family, myself, my friends.

But give up Lila Green—I’m not repenting over something that’s not true. Not anymore. Nor will I apologize for pointing out YOUR detestable ways.

Seeing is what motivates me to change. It’s unsettling to see my errors, it hurts, I feel the sorrow of regret, I disappoint myself and others, but seeing is what I need to move forward with change. I can’t fix what I can’t see, and I’m always working on seeing.

My life was askew as a young woman. I acknowledge that. And that girl I judged in the parking lot today—that was me yesterday. I’m grateful that I’ve lived long enough to have learned a lot, to know a little, and that I’ve learned to embrace deep change.

In a long round-about way, I said all that to say—if things get a little messy here on my blog, it’s because I’m cleaning it up.

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Dangerous Persuasions – Crime & Investigation Network

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http://www.citv.com.au/tv-shows/909/dangerous-persuasions/episodes

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question anyway

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it’s never too late

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regarding narcissism

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It’s amusing to me how this woman, Lila, AKA Deborah Green, self-proclaimed “Prophet of God,” and “General of His end-day army,” calls ME a narcissist. 

To understand Narcissism, let’s look up NPD, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD, 301.81) is described as a mental disorder with a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration or adulation, and a lack of empathy for others.

Five or more of the following criteria must be met for diagnosis. Quotes are from Dr. Sam Vaknin’s, Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited.

1. Feels grandiose and self-important.

The narcissist is prone to magical thinking. He thinks about himself in terms of ‘being chosen’… . He believes that his life is of such momentous importance, that it is micro-managed by God. Narcissism and religion go well together, because religion allows the narcissist to feel unique. God is everything the narcissist ever wants to be: omniscient, omnipresent, admired… .

2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance.

The narcissist is haunted by the feeling that he is possessed of a mission, of a destiny, that he is a part of fate, of history. He is convinced that his uniqueness is purposeful, that he is meant to lead, chart new ways, to reform… . He feels part of a grand design, a world plan and the fame of affiliation, the group of which he is a member [or leader], must be commensurate grand.

3. Is firmly convinced that he or she is special, and can only be understood by, or associate with, other special or high status people.

4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation.

A common error is to think that ‘narcissistic supply’ consists only of admiration, adulation and positive feedback. Actually, being feared, or derided is also supply. The main element is ATTENTION.

He feeds off other people, who hurl back at him the image that he projects to them. This is their [ the other people’s] sole function in his world: to reflect, to admire, to applaud, to detest… .” In short, the group must magnify the narcissist, echo and amplify his life, his views, his history… .”

5. Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favorable priority treatment.

“He considers his very existence as sufficiently nourishing and sustaining [of others]. He feels entitled to the best others can offer without investing in maintaining relationships or in catering to the well-being of his “suppliers.”

6. Is interpersonally exploitative; uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

He will not hesitate to put other people’s lives at risk. He will preserve his sense of infallibility in the face of his mistakes and misjudgments by distorting the facts, by evoking mitigating or attenuating circumstances, by repressing memories, or simply lying.”

7. Is devoid of empathy.

“… the narcissist does not care. Unable to empathize, he does not fully experience the outcome of his deeds and decisions. For him humans are dispensable, rechargeable, reusable. They are there to fulfill a function: to supply him with Narcissistic Supply (adoration, admiration, approval, affirmation, etc.). They [other people] have no existence apart from carrying out their duty.

8. Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her.

9. Have arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted.

That which has cosmic implications calls for cosmic reactions. A person with an inflated sense of self-importance, reacts in an exaggerated manner to threats, greatly inflated by his imagination and by the application of his personal myth. Narcissists live in a state of constant rage, repressed aggression, envy and hatred. As a result, they are paranoid, suspicious, scared and erratic.”

NPD is a pernicious, vile and tortuous disease, which affects not only the narcissist. It affects and forever changes people who are in daily contact with the narcissist.”

Sooner, or later, everyone around the narcissist is bound to become his victim. People are sucked, voluntarily or involuntarily, into the turbulence that constitutes his life, into the black hole that is his personality, into the whirlwind which makes up his interpersonal relationships. Different people are hurt by different aspects of the narcissist’s life and psychological make-up. Some trust him and rely on him, only to be bitterly disappointed. Others love him and discover that he cannot reciprocate. Yet others are forced to live vicariously, through him.”

Sources: (click on links below to learn more)

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Malignant Self Love: the narcissist bible. 

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regarding mental slavery

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an open mind

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a plea from Chris’s sister

(https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20120506124159AAJHDQW):

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only love can drive out hate

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clinging

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