It’s a long season of change for me over here in California. I’ve been in SPRING MODE since January. Cleaning. Simplifying. Giving away. Throwing away. Selling. Digging up lawn. Planting. Transplanting. Prepping my century old home’s lap wood siding for new paint.
The same goes for where I hang here online. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with this blog, or if I’m going to do anything, but now I just feel like tidying it up. Editing. Simplifying. Deleting. Prepping for change.
I’m willing to give it all up at any time. Cut my hair. Change my name. Burn all my old writings that I always thought would someday be a book. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve thought about it. Nothing’s fixed. Life is forever in flux. I want to be here in the now. I want to invest more time with the people I love and care about.
Prepping for change.
Not repentance—change. There’s a big difference in my mind. I’m sorry for a lot of things. Sorry I didn’t have a solid plan when I was young. Sorry I was such a wanderer, a follower. Sorry I was so naive, so unware. Sorry I choose some pretty shady friends. Mostly I’m sorry that I hurt my family, myself, my friends.
But give up Lila Green—I’m not repenting over something that’s not true. Not anymore. Nor will I apologize for pointing out YOUR detestable ways.
Seeing is what motivates me to change. It’s unsettling to see my errors, it hurts, I feel the sorrow of regret, I disappoint myself and others, but seeing is what I need to move forward with change. I can’t fix what I can’t see, and I’m always working on seeing.
My life was askew as a young woman. I acknowledge that. And that girl I judged in the parking lot today—that was me yesterday. I’m grateful that I’ve lived long enough to have learned a lot, to know a little, and that I’ve learned to embrace deep change.
In a long round-about way, I said all that to say—if things get a little messy here on my blog, it’s because I’m cleaning it up.