Looking back over the years, I take responsibility for the consequences of my own actions, and I apologize to my children, my sister, to all my family and friends whom I’ve affected negatively because I was naive and unaware in my adult youth. I made some bad choices.
I know a lot of people think that life’s instructions are in some book, or in some religion or system of beliefs, or in some contemporary prophet, but I think it’s much simpler than all that. I think we’re here to learn to love, and I think our mistakes are sometimes our best teachers.
Regarding ACMTC, at the start I knew in my heart that things weren’t right in there, but within short time the voices of Lila, Steve and Jim over-powered my voice, and then my mind. I didn’t stay true to my own inner knowing. I’d been drilled to not trust it. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not upon your own understanding (Prov. 3:5)”— and of course, trusting in the Lord meant trusting in his best friend, co-commander of his army, and end day prophet.
“You may not find it in the Bible,” Jim said, “but we hear directly from god, and if god says it, we know that it’s true. God’s word isn’t dead. He speaks to his people today as he did through his prophets and his apostles in Bible times.”
From the time Lila declared me “judged” by god, to the time my husband kicked me out of the house, to the time Jim excommunicated me to the street, I was fully convinced that something was inherently wrong with me, and that I was “forsaken by god.” I still had a lot of questions, but my questions were always what got me into trouble, so I rebuked them, I hushed them. This was my only chance, my last chance, to get right with god.
I felt like I’d been given the wrong role to play in the whole grand scheme of things. I didn’t want to be a Judas. In my heart I was not a Judas. I did not feel evil. I only wanted to love and to be loved.
But they said I was guilty of spiritual adultery, of rebellion, and that I loved my children more than I loved god.