“spirit of motherhood”

My son Nate (9) and daughter Lilly (4) are sick.

It’s morning and Nate’s face is flushed, he’s hot to the touch, feels awful, it’s obvious he’s sick. Steve makes him work anyway. I see the misery and the deep hurt in Nate’s face. Does his dad even care? Does he even love him anymore? I sorrow for him, and I’m really pissed off at Steve.

Later in the day Lilly’s temperature is high, she’s burning up and weak. Steve comes into Barracks 1 where we live, and I tell him we need to take her to a doctor. He says nothing, leaves the house and climbs the stairs to the citadel where Jim and Lila Green live.

When he returns he tells me I have a “spirit of motherhood,” that I put my children before god, and that’s why Lilly is so sick. “You better prostrate yourself on the floor beside her, and pray throughout the night, begging for god’s mercy, or he is going to take her life,” he says. “That’s what General Lila told me.”

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Nate and Lilly

thoughts and emotions: devil’s territory

General” Deborah teaches that our emotions are of the devil, not of god, and as god’s soldiers, it’s our duty to rebuke not only our thoughts, but also our emotions, to command them underfoot, to plead the blood of Jesus over them. As god’s soldiers it’s our duty to submit to god—i.e. to General Deborah Green, because she’s the one god talks to. She’s General of his army. She’s his prophet. She’s everybody’s life line.

Steve never doubts her. One day he sternly says to me, “god wants us to burn all of our family photos. They’re idols before him.” He makes a fire in the fireplace in barracks 1 where we live, and one by one he throws pictures into the fire. I watch as my children’s images go up in smoke and flame. I’m deeply troubled, but I share nothing of my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own doubts—all three forbidden, all three “of the devil.” For Steve it’s like some ritual of passage of some kind.

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My biological family is not my family anymore. They’re not “of god.” My real family is “god’s family,” and to them I give my allegiance. I fight the devil and tell him to flee my thoughts and my emotions in the name of Jesus, but nothing changes. My thoughts don’t change. My feelings don’t change. I don’t change. Nothing makes sense to me, nothing “feels” right to me, it all feels wrong. But I am shut-up inside, silenced and I am bound by fear.

twenty years ago today my son walked away from ACMTC

IMG_0197I’m so proud of my son Nate. He’s strong and kind and wonderful and smart and aware and funny and talented and more, of course. Here I am with him in his wood shop. He’s come a long way.

Nate snuck out of ACMTC headquarters late at night, leaving with only the clothes he had on. The escape was planned. My son-in-law at the time, Mike (who years earlier with my daughter Rebekah and their two children also quietly left ACMTC late at night) flew to Gallup N.M., rented a four-wheel drive and drove out to Fence Lake with a State Trooper guiding him. The plan was to pick Nate up at 11PM, so at 11 PM Nate walked out to the roadside, and 15 minutes later Mike showed up. The plan worked.

Today Nate’s one of my shining stars. I absolutely love the integrity of this man who suffered so much as a boy, who was denied love by his father, always put down my him, humiliated by him and the Greens, made to feel “not good enough.”

Upon leaving, good men were drawn to him. Today he has two fathers, so to speak, in his life. First there’s Mark, a downtown Sacramento contractor/developer. Mark saw Nate’s talent and good nature and swooped him up, calling him “his boy,” and later made him his business parter. Together they restored historical homes.

DSC04255-1                                                                     Mark (“Gino”)

When Mark more or less retired, Gary, another good-to-the-bone guy, a world renown wood turner, invited Nate to come make furniture with him in his shop—“our shop,” Gary says, and he gave Nate the keys.

A really sweet thing Gary does is that every time a loved one dies, he buys an old machine in his or her memory, restores it to great condition, puts it in his shop, and then every time he uses it he thinks of him or her. Mark, Gary and Nate are very kind and thoughtful men.

the other excommunicated women

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Actually, Deborah Green excommunicated 3 women within a period of a few months, all three of us crammed within the shed. First there was me. Deborah declared me “judged by god,” and she changed my name to Forsaken (forsaken by god). She handed me an dingy white formless sack dress and a black scarf, and instructed me to wear them at all times “when in the presence of god’s soldiers,” and to “wear them with shame.”

After me came Jacque, later name changed to Rachel. Deborah declared Jackie also judged by god, and changed her name to Barren, and gave her a hospital gown to wear (before ACMTC Jacque was a psychiatric nurse). After five months of shame and humiliation, “god” determined Jackie worthy enough to return to ACMTC’s ranks, and then her name became Rachel.

I’m happy to report that after >20 years of taking crap from the Greens, Rachel found the courage to leave. She said she just couldn’t take it anymore, that things were never going to get better. Today she lives 7 blocks down the street from me. Small world!

Lisa became woman number three. She and her husband and little girl returned from a “missionary trip” in the Philippines shortly after “god’s judgment had descended upon the camp.” Three days later Deborah pronounced “god’s judgment” on Lisa, and changed her name to “Dispised.”

After three rainy days of confinement in the shed, damp blankets in the morning from ground water seeping up through the plywood floor, Lisa snapped. Having just returned from the Philippines, away from Deborah Green and ACMTC’s “camp” for a long while, she had access to her own internal voice. She pushed her way into the “citadel” where the Green’s lived, grabbed her daughter, called the police, and fled.

After Lisa fled with daughter, the Greens instructed Jackie and I to move into the basement of barracks #4. My ex (Steve) ordered our 11 year old son Nate to tear the shed down. He tore it down within two days, and then Steve gave Jacque and I hammers and a crow bar, and ordered us to pull out the nails, and to stack the wood in piles.

I never said I was “locked” inside that shed!

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http://www.aggressivechristianity.net/articles/finally.htm

I never (ever) claimed I was locked up inside that shed! I made it clear in my court deposition that I was free to leave, but I was afraid to leave. I stated the same to all news media, although some (it’s true) failed to report it right. That’s called bad or wrongly informed journalism.

Yes, Dr. Phil in the beginning of his Cult Confrontations show did say I was “locked up.” He got that wrong. But if you go beyond the beginning of the show, to where he actually interacts with me—I corrected him then and there! 

Here’s what I said in my court document:

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And here’s what I told the news media:

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Here’s where I corrected Dr. Phil of his error on his show:

Steve’s Letter

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I received this letter from Steve (the ex), AKA Col. Philip Jordan about 8-10 years after Deborah Green anounced me a woman “forsaken and judged by god.” At first I was judged for “spiritual adultery,” but later on she and Steve changed it to the real thing.”

I guess when they decided computers weren’t evil anymore, god told them to spead their propaganda and lies and hate online. Regarding me they circulated stories that I was in mulitiple affairs.

In this letter Steve (or Philip) blames himself for everything that came down on me back in the 80’s, saying “the Generals really hoped for the restoration of our marriage.”

Seriously? Deborah Green claims to be god’s prophet. She’s the one god talks to, she’s the one who thinks she sees inside people’s hearts. She’s the one who prophesied judgment over me, declared me “forsaken by god,” and gave me the name  “Forsaken.” She’s the one who gave me the black scarf and told me wear it when in the presence of god’s soldiers, and to wear it with shame.”

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Steve lying 1989

Below are snippets of Steve’s hand written letter that I typed out—I didn’t want to type the whole ugly thing. Link to full hand written letter is at bottom. He was always the one with the lust problem, not me.

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In the start of our relationship, I lusted after you. Not that I loved you at all, but I lusted for the sex and to be hypocritical over you, that my false authority could rule, knowing full well that my own personality would rule and dominate yours. That’s the way I wanted it, so that’s the way it was from the beginning. I was a cruel oppressor and at times very mean to you over nothing.

Secondly and not at all the least important, I corrupted our relationship by lusting after your daughter even when she was 11 years old. Even though I never had sex with her nor fondled her I did it in my mind, yes my dirty filthy thinking mind and at times using it as a means of masturbation.

It is me that’s been the true snake and a real wretch towards you. Why? Because these have been hidden sins that have cast a shadow on your life and have caused much hurt between you and others of God’s people that have no fault at all.

My concern ended up being on my own power complex. Honestly, I have put myself first on everything, almost a cold calculated drive deep inside of see me first and you last, me look good, you looking bad, me on top, you on the bottom.

You know yourself I had real trouble lusting after other women. What about Dolores? I burned in lust for her constantly. So we need to look at who’s real fault this breaking up is attributed to. Please listen to this because it is my last chance to get right with God and with you. It comes to the point my days are limited. I have wrecked, literally ruined too many lives at this point for what, a little false position and authority.

Now from the first I have lusted for general Deborah; it was an ongoing affair in my own mind, my refusal to really come clean at that time, my vile nasty mental outlook caused the ultimate separation to start with, the two flesh becoming one, so my sins worked out in you. I used you to carry out my inward destruction of everyone, and why? I couldn’t get my own way.

From the first in our temporary separation I was so glad to be free of you, to dump you. I had my own motives.

Living in the shed was my idea. No, they didn’t take your husband. On the contrary, they hoped for the restoration, but i perpetuated the opposite, strife and discord, because I didn’t want you back again! Why? Because I was already in the process of lusting after every woman left at Fort Freedom. I was an uncontrollable lust dog. Even the Generals rebuked me for my desire for another wife. Or I should say, my desire to use another woman. Its the power over others, and the lust upon others that has controlled me. Along with this murderous spirit towards you, wishing evil would overtake. It’s been me all along that started this war between you and the ministry, because I didn’t get my way, my self lifted up above others.

I had you looking like a goole to everyone. Not one kind word did I say. It was “get her while she was down,” and they, the Generals, Col. Wright and others have taken the blame. But it was me covering up myself that I would come out looking good, looking clean in the eyes of men.”

THE LETTER:

Steve's Letter pg 1

Click HERE to read full hand written letter

unbiblical, twisted teachings

To the reader who asked me why I don’t just leave them alone, my response is, why don’t they leave me alone? These people are accountable to no one but “their” god, and their god is not my God, and their truth is not my truth, and for 25+ years now they’ve been lying about me to cover up their own dirty acts.

One of the first things I realized after coming out from under the cloud of deception in there was how they take Biblical text out of context to make it mean something it doesn’t, to make it mean what they want it to mean. I learned this after I left as I poured myself into studying the Bible. I thought I’d find answers as to why god forsook me, but instead discovered that he hadn’t.

At one point Jim Green instructed us soldiers to read our Bibles, but of my 5 1/2 years in there, that lasted only a few weeks. There were few bibles in sight, and never once did I see anyone digging into one. Whatever came from the Bible was filtered through the mouths of Jim and Deborah Green, and only after leaving their ranks did I discover how umbilical and twisted their teachings are.

The claim was/is that Deborah Green’s prophesies supersede the Bible, because she get’s “fresh bread” straight from god. And when things don’t go as she predicts, god simply changed his mind. He did that a lot when I was there.

During the approximate 108 days of my excommunication within the group (first to the chop shop, then the shed, the basement, a bedroom, and then another bedroom), I fervently studied scripture looking for answers as to why “god’s wrath” was upon me. I found a lot of hope in that book, although in honesty, today I have to say that after considerable objective study on the history of the Bible, and in particular the scribing and translating of it, along with Jewish history and Hebrew culture of the day, and my own personal life experiences,  I no longer buy that it’s “God’s inerrant word,” though I have great respect for the book and the people who believe in it.

But studying the Bible immensely helped set my mind free of ACMTC, because it showed me how flawed, how out of context, and how corrupt the Green’s interpretation of it is.

regarding “colonel” Philip Jordan’s (Steve’s) letter

Steve, AKA Philip Jordan, wrote this letter to me about a decade and a half ago in his own pen, signed by other ACMTC members as witnesses. Interesting how Philip Jordan and Deborah and Jim Green change their stories, the very thing they say I do. 

When you’re on the hot seat in ACMTC, God’s (or Deborah’s) wrath permeates the place, and all eyes fall on the perpetrator, which in this case, let’s say, is you.

After being utterly shamed in front of all your brothers and sisters in Christ, and after being fully doused with the prophesies of judgment rolling angrily out of the mouth of God’s end-day prophet, then come the days, the weeks, the months of quiet apprehension, as you await god’s final word regarding your fate as a dishonored soldier of god, when god will tell Deborah and then she will tell everybody else. You’re on high alert, your senses acute. You can feel your heart beat fast and hard and you can hear a moth beating itself against a light bulb nearby.

You rebuke all thoughts of doubt regarding the reality of what they—and what you—believe. You’ve been drilled since day one in god’s army that these thoughts are not your own. They are the voices of demons trying to get inside your head, trying to bamboozle you, to turn you into an enemy of the god you think you serve.

And so you’re in the hot seat, and you put all doubt or self-defense underfoot. You rebuke doubt, you stomp on it, and you command it to leave “in the name of Jesus Christ.” You plead the blood of Jesus, and you just hope to god that you’re still covered.

It could go either way. Either god will eventually cast you into the lake of fire where nearly everyone on earth is going (except them, your spiritual family), or you demonstrate before god and his prophet that you submit whole-heartedly to god’s will, and you let god break you again so you can again be transformed into a vessel for his light, and you let him purify you as if by fire until there is no more of YOU left.

In quiet fear you allow the powers that are BE. Your place in eternity depends upon it. Nothing matters more.

You wait in quiet, a solitary place, ex-communicated from the company of your spiritual family, and then one of them comes up to you and gives you a pen and some paper and tells you to write. You’re fearful but you’re hopeful. This may be a good sign, or maybe it’s a last ditched effort to get yourself saved again. And so with sweat and tears you pour your despondent heart upon paper, and you “fess-up” to how utterly wretched you are, how wicked and self-centered you are, and how everything bad happening in the camp is because of you.

The above said, ex-members Angelina and Rachel both say Steve (Philip) was in the hot seat when he wrote this letter. That’s not to say that I doubt its contents. His confessions regarding himself I believe are true. The man I once thought my prince charming turned out to be an abuser, a big bully who “lorded” it over me and the kids. Then he dumped us to serve his god.

I couldn’t see back then, my lens smudged, fogged by unawareness and pompous smoke. But I can see clearly now.